(Editor's note: Back when Tom Pfeifer was required to read five-plus newspapers a day for his day job, for amusement he compiled news reports from which he could thread a theme and emailed his Initial Thoughts to family and friends. While he works on other projects, he is regurgitating some of them here. We hope you enjoy.)
© 2007 Tom Pfeifer
Current as of February 17, 2007
I’m the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child. Both of
them, actually. The live one and the dead one. Let
there be no mistake: The old man’s money is mine.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It’s possible I
fathered Daniel, but I’ve had a vasectomy since then,
making it impossible to father Dannielynn. But you
don’t know. Like Jeffery Harrison, perhaps I needed
the $400 a month sperm banks were paying in the
early ‘80s for twice a month deposits. My eyesight
has been failing, you know. Harrison, also known
as Donor 150, has at least six test-tube kids
causing trouble out there. Why not me?
Too much information? Well, consider the study
released this week by medical researchers that show
that men with vasectomies suffer from a high rate of
brain disease. Explains a lot right there, doesn’t it?
But then loneliness also causes dementia, which my
wife warned I would suffer had I not gotten the
Anyway, we’re talking about sex, and bimbos, and making babies, and avoiding making babies. And what better way to avoid making babies than with New York or Washington, DC, condoms?
New York started it on Valentine’s Day 2005, culminating today in the distribution of 1.5 million baby-stoppers a month. In keeping with the image of a projectile shooting back and forth through a tunnel, the condom packages are lettered with the font used to denote New York subway routes. The slogan: “We’ve got you covered.”
Not to be outdone, Washington, DC, launched its own brand this week. DC, apparently, doesn’t care about making babies. Its motto is, “Coming together to stop HIV in DC.” The double entendre was unintentional, officials said. Bad PR man. Bad.
Both sets of condoms expire in September 2011. But should they fail before they expire, your responsibilities may never expire. It used to be that if condoms failed and you unknowingly became a father, your responsibilities as such expired on the love child’s eighteenth birthday. That theory, it turns out, like a condom, doesn’t always work.
It seems a Maryland woman gave birth to a child twenty-three years ago. She raised the boy as a single mother and never sought child support from the alleged father. Then the son developed health problems. She now wants support from the father. The Maryland legislature is considering ending its daddy statute of limitations to accommodate her. But if the kid has no money and doesn’t stand to inherit millions because his big-boobed mom didn’t marry an octogenarian a year before the geezer kicked off, why should the man make a paternal claim? We’re talking fairness here.
Perhaps consenting adults, before consenting, should sign a love contract, now in vogue among high-level company executives. Corporate love contracts are aimed at holding a company harmless should a workplace affair erupt into accusations of harassment. But, like a prenuptial agreement (which every geezer should insist on before marrying a big-boobed mom), a love contract among otherwise consenting adults could stipulate the statute of parenthood obligations should the condom fail.
Of course, there are other ways to avoid contraception, including abstinence, a favorite among those who already have at least one child. Snoring is a turn-off, but one actually has to fall asleep prior to consummation for that to be effective. For most of us, sex, like death, is inevitable. Men only need the image of a favorite history teacher appearing in Playboy to be aroused. For women, male sweat is an apparent aphrodisiac, which may explain the bad-boy syndrome and the need for condoms.
And then there’s money, which makes a lover, real or imagined, out of just about anyone.
Bender, Kristin. MediaNews Group. “So you smell? Keep sweating it.” Times-Herald. 10 February 2007. http://www.timesheraldonline.com/ci_5201889
Chan, Sewell. Tom Zeller Jr. contributed. “A New Condom in Town, This One Named ‘NYC.’” New York Times. 15 February 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/15/nyregion/15condom.html
Gellene, Denise. Times Staff Writer. “Loneliness linked to elder dementia.” Los Angeles Times. 10 February 2007. http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-sci-lonely10feb10,1,1687028.story?coll=la-news-a_section
Harmon, Amy. “Sperm Donor Father Ends His Anonymity.” New York Times. 14 February 2007 http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/14/us/14donor.html
Levine, Susan. Washington Post Staff Writer. “250,000 Condoms Deployed For HIV Awareness, Prevention.” Washington Post. 16 February 2007. Page B03. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/15/AR2007021501661.html
Rein, Lisa. Washington Post Staff Writer. “A Plea Against an Expiration Date on Fatherhood.” Washington Post. 16 February 2007. Page B01. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/15/AR2007021501893.html
Ritter, Jim. Health Reporter. “Is a vasectomy bad for your brain?” Chicago Sun-Times. 13 February 2007. http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/health/254555,CST-NWS-snip13.article
Selvin, Molly. Times Staff Writer. “’Love contract’? It’s office policy.” Los Angeles Times. 13 February 2007. http://www.latimes.com/business/printedition/la-fi-love13feb13,1,325683.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-business
Travis, Scott. “Former West Boca High teacher poses for Playboy.” South Florida Sun-Sentinel. 13 February 2007. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/palmbeach/sfl-pplayboy13feb13,0,2240099.story?coll=sfla-news-palm
(Editor's note: No one should go hungry during these trying times. If you have the means, please donate to your local food bank. Even a dollar goes a long way. Simply search "food banks near me" to find one. If you're in need, please contact them for help.)
Tom Pfeifer is president and CEO of Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.
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