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Tom Pfeifer's Blog

Initial Thoughts: Challenging Heterosexual Superiority

(Editor's note: Back when Tom Pfeifer was required to read five-plus newspapers a day for his day job, for amusement he compiled news reports from which he could thread a theme and emailed his Initial Thoughts to family and friends. While he works on other projects, he is regurgitating some of them here. We hope you enjoy.)


Initial Thoughts
© 2006 Tom Pfeifer
Current as of November 11, 2006


It was a good week to be a heterosexual, particularly if you’re a homophobic heterosexual male.

Seven of eight states voted to ban gay

marriage this week, with only Arizona

accepting kissy-kissies among sissy-sissies.

Score one for the homophobe.

In Seattle, voters let city fathers know

they cherished their right to mingle with

naked women by rejecting a city

ordinance that outlawed lap dancing

and direct tipping at strip clubs. In a city

where it rains all the time, citizens want

their entertainment options open.

Score one for the unabashed heterosexual.

South Dakota voters, meanwhile, rejected a law that banned virtually all abortions. Voters obviously wanted an exception if there was a strong likelihood the baby would grow up to be a politician – or gay, since South Dakota was among the states to ban kissy-kissies among sissy-sissies.

Of course, even those who want to keep abortion optional believe it’s not a good solution to pregnancy. The preference is to avoid unwanted pregnancies completely. To which the gays yell: We’ve got that covered!

And the homophobes reply: Ewwwww. Unless, of course, you’re a manly man and you’re picturing lesbians.

Now let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you are a manly man. According to the National Institute of Health, 35 percent of children conceived by manly men were not anticipated when said manly men engaged in that most healthy of practices between a man and a woman, for whom marriage is reserved.

]And, so, because manly men can’t trust the fairer sex to keep up with birth control, scientists are pushing hard for a male contraceptive. One promising substance produced infertility in mice, but recently proved ineffective in Homo sapiens.

Which kind of put a damper on another study manly men were watching with great expectations, a way to restore the sight of mice suffering from macular degeneration. Solo manly men whose mothers called them degenerates and who warned them about threatening their eyesight hope it helps them too.

In a related development, Playboy profits beat expectations.

Knowledgeable women nod their heads while reading this, finding no surprise that scientists released evidence this week showing man does, in fact, have Neanderthal blood coursing through his veins.

Hidden among the good news this week was a spattering of disturbing trends. In addition to Arizona thumbing its nose at heterosexual superiority, Glendale, California, is battling over another manly man ritual, outdoor barbecuing. Although the ban currently extends only to commercial establishments, manly men everywhere, who like to wear aprons outdoors, are concerned this may set a precedent.

Another disturbing trend involves men who have abandoned their manly man image in favor of being “sensitive” men, which is only a step away from being a sissy-sissy. I give you by way of example the explosion of “procreation vacations.” Couples can choose from a variety of options, which include sex doctors, heart-shaped boxers, Barry White music, oysters, couples massages, pumpkin soup, and a sea moss elixir. Manly men don’t need sex doctors, although if the other stuff gets a woman in the sack ….

So while it was a good week overall, we must not let down our guard. Gay marriage was defeated in seven of eight states, but pro-sissies noted the percentage of folks voting in favor of same-sex unions is growing. And one of the loudest voices against unnatural acts, the Rev. Ted Haggard, was exposed by his fruitcake friend. If this trend continues, only gays who look good in flowered aprons will be allowed to barbecue outdoors, amendments will be passed requiring men to send flowers to their spouses weekly, strip clubs will be banned, and Playboy will be relegated to natural history museums.

It’s enough to make me cry.

Sources

Bloomberg News. “Playboy’s profit beats estimates.” Los Angeles Times. 8 November 2006.
http://www.latimes.com/business/printedition/la-fi-playboy8nov08,1,4906460.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-business

Crary, David. AP national writer. “South Dakota rejects abortion ban.” Casper Star-Tribune. 11 November 2006.
http://www.jacksonholestartrib.com/articles/2006/11/11/news/national/a8a0a79f88eda41e8725722000729815.txt

Galloway, Angela. P-I Reporter. “Dream of owning a strip club? Go for it.” Seattle Post-Intelligencer. 9 November 2006.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/291717_stripclubs09.html

Kennedy, Kelli. The Associated Press. “Making a baby on a family getaway.” Los Angeles Times. 7 November 2006.
http://www.latimes.com/business/printedition/la-fi-vacation7nov07,1,4567199.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-business

Mason, Michael. “Contraception as an Option for the Man.” New York Times. 7 November 2006.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/07/health/07cons.html

Pierson, David. Times Staff Writer. “Passions flame over kebabs.” Los Angeles Times. 4 November 2006.
http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-kebab4nov04,1,5774423.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-california

Torkelson, Jean. “Three to oversee.” Rocky Mountain News. 7 November 2006.
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5124345,00.html

Weiss, Rick. Washington Post Staff Writer. “Cell Transplants Restore Sight in Blind Mice.” Washington Post. 9 November 2006. Page A11.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/08/AR2006110801517.html

Wilford, John Noble. “Neanderthals in Gene Pool, Study Suggests.” New York Times. 9 November 2006.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/09/science/09gene.html

(This column is dedicated to the memory of Ed Bradley, gentleman journalist.)


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Tom Pfeifer is president and CEO of Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.

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