(Editor's note: Back when Tom Pfeifer was required to read five-plus newspapers a day for his day job, for amusement he compiled news reports from which he could thread a theme and emailed his Initial Thoughts to family and friends. While he works on other projects, he is regurgitating some of them here. We hope you enjoy.)
© 2007 Tom Pfeifer
Current as of April 21, 2007
I was driving down the street, drinking a cup
of coffee and smoking a cigarette to fend
off Parkinson’s disease, a joint resting in
the ashtray as I took a break from my
cataract medication, when my cell phone
rang. Splat!! Another honeybee committed
suicide on my windshield. I would have
spared the honeybee and used my
BlackBerry, BUT IT WASN’T WORKING AGAIN!
It was my girlfriend, calling to say I
obviously had the inside track to become
the new head of the World Bank. They’d
just given her a raise!!!
I was on my way to watch whales, dolphins,
and sea lions. It was easy to find them.
They were sprawled out along the beach,
obviously catching some rays. I didn’t stay long. It was boring. Whales and dolphins don’t move as gracefully on the sand. Besides, I had to get to the roller rink to watch my kids. My wife was otherwise occupied kicking other moms’ butts playing roller derby. God, I like a good catfight.
While we were there, the FBI raided her business to see if she was tied to Jack Abramoff. She’s not that kinky.
But I am, so I headed to Phoenix to get some “spiritual guidance” from Ted Haggard. Wink, wink.
On the way I stopped at Newport Beach, California, to celebrate John Wayne’s birthday. It’s true you can’t go home again. So enamored are they of the Duke, they tore his home down. Oh, and I borrowed four big ones from John Edwards to get a haircut, since I was in the neighborhood anyway. Looking good, I decided to visit the girls at Tarzana’s Frisky Kitty before the judge makes the residential neighborhood a nude-free zone. Prude.
I was going to drive cross-country really, really fast, but then realized I’m not a governor. So I jetted back to the East Coast to get my bribe in to Judge Gerald P. Garson so he would finalize my divorce in my favor. Tired of that woman bashing me into walls every morning. I shouldn’t have married her for her mind. But, gosh darn it, the judge has already been convicted. Have to find another one.
Or maybe I can just slip my wife the new birth control pill that eliminates her period. That might work. I was thinking of buying her a new baby at Encino Park to occupy her time, but then found out the nannies really weren’t selling any.
I also lost my bid on the pickle jar of kitchen waste some University of Maryland students posted on eBay. I only had $699 to spare. Not even enough to put a down payment on a painting with a dog or two in it. But I got a grease jar T-shirt! I was going to use the grease to make diesel fuel. At today’s gas prices, it would have been a bargain.
Being a boomer, I am among those who may be less healthy entering into my golden years than my mom and dad before me. But I look so good! So I stopped for some nutrition. I could have had just fruit, but wanted a really nutritional snack. So I had a strawberry daiquiri, with a blueberry margarita on the side. It wet my whistle, but I still can’t whistle, because it’s a dying art in America.
I had to drink my lunch because it seems I’m among the 68% who are unable to choose the dish with the most fat or least salt, and can’t tell a calorie-buster from a rice cake. But at least I watch John Stewart, so I’m more informed than most Americans.
And now you are, too.
This column is dedicated to Leslie Sherman and the 31 other innocents who died Monday at Virginia Tech. Remember their laughter always.
Abdollah, Tami and Kennedy, J. Michael. Times Staff Writers. “Guilt-ridden nanny admits to ‘baby buyer’ fabrication.” Los Angeles Times. 20 April 2007. http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-babyhoax20apr20,1,3669225.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-california
Brick, Michael. “Former Judge Is Convicted of Bribery in Divorce Court.” New York Times. 20 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/20/nyregion/20judge.html
DeYoung, Karen. Washington Post Staff Writer. Staff writers Krissah Williams and Al Kamen contributed. “Wolfowitz Offers to Make Changes.” Washington Post. 19 April 2007. Page A25. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/18/AR2007041802357.html
Engel, Mary. Times Staff Writer. “That salad sounds healthful, but is it?” Los Angeles Times. 18 April 2007. http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-junkfood18apr18,1,4507422.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-california
Faiola, Anthony. Washington Post Staff Writer. “In the New Dating Scene, the Attraction Is a Beautiful Mind.” Washington Post. 16 April 2007. Page A01. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/15/AR2007041501096.html
Gorski, Eric. Associated Press. “Haggards leave Springs for new home in Phoenix.” Rocky Mountain News. 19 April 2007. http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5492321,00.html
Greenberg, Brad A. Staff Writer. “Setback for nude lounge.” Los Angeles Daily News. 19 April 2007. http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_5709274
Grimaldi, James V. and Schmidt, Susan. Washington Post Staff Writers. “FBI Raids Business of Congressman’s Wife.” Washington Post. 19 April 2007. Page A18. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/18/AR2007041802334.html
Kinzie, Susan. Washington Post Staff Writer. “From a ‘Ridiculous Idea’ Comes Greasy Kitsch Stuff.” Washington Post. 20 April 2007. Page B07. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/19/AR2007041902664.html
Kocieniewski, David. Ken Belson, Cara Buckley, David W. Chen, and Nate Schweber reported. “Corzine’s Speed Put at 91 M.P.H. Near Crash Site.” New York Times. 18 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/18/nyregion/18corzine.html
Krauss, Clifford. “Tyson Foods and ConocoPhillips to Produce Diesel Fuel From Animal Fat.” New York Times. 17 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/17/business/17diesel.html
Mason, Brook. Financial Times. “Dog-themed art fetches soaring prices at auction.” Los Angeles Times. 16 April 2007. http://www.latimes.com/business/printedition/la-ft-dogart16apr16,1,1910122.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-business
McVicar, Nancy. “Cigarettes, coffee may lower Parkinson’s risk.” South Florida Sun-Sentinel. 10 April 2007. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/southflorida/sfl-rxsmoke10apr10,0,6806928.story?coll=sfla-news-sfla
Nagourney, Adam. “In the Beverly Hills Style: Candidate’s $400 Coiffure.” New York Times. 20 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/20/us/politics/20edwards.html
Polakovic, Gary. Times Staff Writer. “Spate of marine mammal deaths seen.” Los Angeles Times. 19 April 2007. http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-whale19apr19,1,3339226.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-california
Powers, Ashley. Times Staff Writer. “In his town, Duke plays the Quiet Man.” Los Angeles Times. 19 April 2007. http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-johnwayne19apr19,1,7030001.story?coll=la-headlines-pe-california
Reuters. “Alcohol plus fruit equals health buzz.” Los Angeles Times. 20 April 2007.
Saul, Stephanie. “Pill That Eliminates the Period Gets Mixed Reviews.” New York Times. 20 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/20/health/20period.html
Schaefer, Kayleen. “Rolling, Rocking Nights Out for Mom.” New York Times. 19 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/19/fashion/19fitness.html
Seelye, Katharine Q. “Best-Informed Also View Fake News, Study Says.” New York Times. 16 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/16/business/media/16pew.html
Stein, Rob. Washington Post Staff Writer. “Baby Boomers Appear to Be Less Healthy Than Parents.” Washington Post. 20 April 2007. Page A01. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/19/AR2007041902458.html
Stone, Brad. Ian Austen, Matt Richtel, Louise Story, Joan Raymond, Jeff Bailey, Adam Nagourney and Jim Rutenberg contributed. “Bereft of BlackBerrys, the Untethered Make Do.” New York Times. 19 April 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/19/technology/19blackberry.html
Thomson, Iain. Vnunet.com. “Mobile phones ‘killing bees.’” IT Week. 17 April 2007. http://www.itweek.co.uk/vnunet/news/2187944/mobile-phones-kill-bees
Vierria, Dan. Bee Staff Writer. “Whistle stop: Birds still do it, but we’re all puckered out.” Sacramento Bee. 6 April 2007. Page J2. http://www.sacbee.com/107/story/149612.html
(Editor's note: No one should go hungry during these trying times. If you have the means, please donate to your local food bank. Even a dollar goes a long way. Simply search "food banks near me" to find one. If you're in need, please contact them for help.)
Tom Pfeifer is president and CEO of Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.
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