(Editor's note: Back when Tom Pfeifer was required to read five-plus newspapers a day for his day job, for amusement he compiled news reports from which he could thread a theme and emailed his Initial Thoughts to family and friends. While he works on other projects, he is regurgitating some of them here. We hope you enjoy.)
© 2007 Tom Pfeifer
Current as of March 17, 2007
This week, God revealed to me how humanity dawned on
Planet Earth, how global warming fits into God’s plan for
said Planet Earth, proof that the United States is God’s
chosen land, the identity of the little green men from
Planet Mars, and the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day.
Not a bad week.
The revelations are important because hopefully they
will heal the rift among religious leaders over what is
most important to God: global warming or aborting
gays. Such Christian conservatives as Focus on the
Family’s James C. Dobson and the Family Research
Council’s Tony Perkins are upset that the National
Association of Evangelicals voted this week to reaffirm
its platform of priorities, which includes protecting
the environment. Dobson and Perkins wanted the
evangelical organization to censure or fire its policy
director for straying into such an ungodlike arena.
The association board didn’t even have the courtesy of acknowledging the conservative concerns.
Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they’re doing.
Thankfully, I do.
Here’s how God revealed it to me through the pages of our nation’s newspapers.
In the beginning, Mars’ southern pole contained enough ice to cover the entire planet in water 36 feet deep. Actually, that’s the condition today. And, as we all know, because we’re intelligent beings, water is the primary source of life. Where there’s 36 feet of water, there’s life. Or at least there was, because there’s evidence a lot of Martian ice melted over the millennia, possibly in concert with its core hardening and the subsequent loss of its magnetic field. But that’s just too much scientific mumbo jumbo and wild speculation. Let’s rely on the clarity of faith here.
Faith, as God revealed it to me, says the little green men who inhabited Mars long ago sensed the doom of their planet and sought another place in which to pursue life, liberty, and happiness. So they built a space ark with two of each of God’s universal creatures and flew to their neighboring planet.
No, not Jupiter. Earth.
The little green men (and women) were aiming for North America, which we’ll see in a moment is God’s chosen land, but they were drinking rather heavily in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day and wandered off course, landing in present-day Ireland. Hence, the leprechauns. Eventually some of the leprechauns grew and, at the dawn of mankind, became earthlings.
Now, lo and behold and begorra, St. Patrick came along (which is good, because they were already celebrating his day) and made the island homey for the little people by chasing away all the snakes. But in doing so, the land became hardened because God had put the slithering snakes there to aerate the fields. St. Patrick was not as bright as he looked. Soon there was no potato whiskey to be found and the Irish left for America.
And good thing for them, too, because the Martian leprechauns were making a mess of the rest of the world. In keeping with what they’d done on Mars, the ice was melting. And so it was that in the winter of 2006-2007, surface temperatures around the world were three times what they were in 1976—everywhere but in the United States, which recorded a rather average winter. God loves the Irish and has a soft spot for the U.S., too.
And so God begat Richard Branson, an Englishman who is genetically predisposed to hate the Irish, who offered $25 million to the human who could solve global warming. And weirdoes and whackos came up with pouring iron into the ocean, creating artificial trees to suck carbon dioxide out of the air, and building a solar umbrella between Earth and the sun, all in an attempt to undo what the Martian evildoers had wrought.
Which brings us from the beginning of time, as we know it, to today. I haven’t a clue what tomorrow will bring, or whether aborting gays is important. But I have faith God will reveal those answers in newspapers in the days to come.
Next week: Stonehenge and why God put us between a rock and a hard place.
Borenstein, Seth. Associated Press. “Climate concepts out of this world.” Los Angeles Daily News. 16 March 2007. http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_5448285
Goodstein, Laurie. “Evangelical Group Rebuffs Critics on Right.” New York Times. 14 March 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/14/us/14evangelical.html
Johnson, Jr., John. Times Staff Writer. “Ice may have melted on Mars, orbiter finds.” Los Angeles Times. 16 March 2007. http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-sci-mars16mar16,1,2503343.story?coll=la-news-a_section
Lyons, Julie Sevrens. “Climate change tied to global crop losses.” San Jose Mercury News. 16 March 2007. http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_5450171
(Editor's note: No one should go hungry during these trying times. If you have the means, please donate to your local food bank. Even a dollar goes a long way. Simply search "food banks near me" to find one. If you're in need, please contact them for help.)
Tom Pfeifer is president and CEO of Consistent Voice Communications and author of Write It, Speak It: Writing a Speech They’ll APPLAUD! Reach him at Tom@YourConsistentVoice.com.
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